Moving ... Settling in the Valley of Hope

Wow .... so it looks like I'm moving!! No surprises there, for all who know my nomadic lifestyle up to this point! Mum and Dad have invested in a house ... and I get to be the blessed, rent paying occupant!!

So, (and here is the interesting part) ... it looks like I'm settling to become a semi-permanent (you have no idea how weird that word 'permanent' is to write) resident of Hope Valley.

HOPE Valley ... what a wonderful place to live and start a new life! Who would have thought a valley, of all things, could be hopeful? So often a valley represents despair ... or the 'shadow of death'. But no ... God is placing me in a valley of hope! And what a wonderful hope I have.

"See, I am making all things new" Revelations 21:5 ... is the verse that upon waking this morning, came to mind.

How I long and hope for that glorious day ... when all things will be made new. When all the struggling will cease. When every tear is wiped from our eyes, as we dwell and live with our heavenly Father in his renewed and restored Creation.

I am powerless to save myself from the enslavement, ravages and entagling of sin in my own life. This sin is a rejection of, and separates me from, my Creator who is holy and pure in love. In my rebellion - I think I can do it on my own, struggling in my own strength ...but I become a 'pit-dweller', dwelling in the pit of despair. I look around and see the consequences of sin and rebellion everywhere. This world is broken and suffering. There seems to be no hope.

But, this is my HOPE.

I hope in the incredible and gracious love of Jesus, who came and dwelt among us. Suffering; submitting to death, so that all who believe and trust in this incredible grace - are redeemed, rescued and released from the curse and bondage of sin.

I hope in His victorious resurrection - victory over sin and death. ... so that all may rise with him, (out of the pit) into a new life - transformed and re-newed.

And I hope in his coming again, in glory - where he will reign over the re-newed and made new Creation, as our glorious Servant King.

"It is finished"! (John 19:30) ... "It is DONE"!! (Revelation 21: 6) - WOW!

Therefore, since we are justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have obtained access to this grace in which we stand; and we boast in our hope of sharing the glory of God. And not only that, but we also boast in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not disappoint us, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit that has been given to us. (Romans 5:1-5)

This HOPE is true and sure, and holds me through the struggles of this present life. The Spirit gives me the assurance of Gods incredible love, he pour assurance into my heart - God cherishes me, he cares for me, he holds me, he carries me, he heals me, he sustains me, he delivers me, he provides for me, he knows me, he understands me, he wonderfully made me.

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:38-39)

His work of renewal, (although not brought to completion) is actually happening in the here and now ... and (oh, what amazing grace), is happening in me!

So if anyone is in Christ, there is a new creation: everything old has passed away; see, everything has become new! All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ . . . . (2 Cor 5:17-18).

For if anyone is in Christ ... they are part of the new creation. Part of Gods reconciling, healing, restoring ministry to our broken, sin cursed world, in the here and now. And 'God’s people are to be, through the work of the Spirit, an anticipatory sign of God’s healing and restorative future for the world.'

What a challenge, what a privilege for the church of believers today ... for me.

He lifted me out of the pit of despair and has put me in the valley of hope! What a wonderful God!!

As I dwell in Hope Valley, my prayer is that all will see where I put my hope ... and will praise and worship our loving, compassionate, merciful God.

Coming to terms with Abuse

"It is hard for me to admit that my relationship is abusive. It seems somehow too harsh a word to use - but since I have started using it and started to look back on my marriage for signs of it - it seems to rear its ugly dark head, where-ever I look. It scares me. It is ever so subtle and ever so overt. It is confusing, because it is mixed up with happier memories and feelings of love. It feels somehow disloyal and unkind to point it out. There is also the fact that there are degrees of it to a certain extent probably in every relationship.

It also seems as though I am somehow avoiding my own faults - by focusing on his. It becomes a giant in my mind- also confusing, am I making more of it, than I should? Or have I spent a huge amount of time covering it up, hiding it, ignoring it, placating it, avoiding it, denying it - to myself? Why? You have to survive and keep living somehow.

Is there any hope that things could ever change? I find myself feeling sorry for him -as though it is some illness, or something he can't help. It is certainly the symptom of his own misery - again, this makes it confusing. Makes me feel bad for making an issue of it, or expecting him to be accountable. How can I hold it against him? I feel guilt - for the grief and misery I will put him through, now that I am no longer prepared to live with grief and misery.

Weird. How did it get so mixed up? Why can I not see this clearly for what it is? For when I look - it's everywhere, pervading every part of our relationship. The mix of terror, confusion, deep piercing hurt, anguish, grief, uneasiness, fear, mistrust, humiliation, determination to survive - make it work. All this mixed with moments of love, joy, hope - tentative hope. Feelings of 'this is how it should be', 'why isn't it like this always?', 'He does care', 'he doesn't really mean those things', ‘he does admit he was wrong'. 



Then the hope and trust is shattered - again. The roller coaster ride continues. Nothing has really changed.

Gradually the trust is eroded. Gradually not all the pieces can be put back together. Gradually a taller, thicker, wider wall is built, to protect.


Vulnerability is no longer possible.


Words of love, affection, affirmation - gradually lose their meaning as the hypocrisy becomes clearer and clearer. They can no longer be believed, trusted. As hope is proved false again and again. There is nothing left but despair. The most laughably trivial things will bring back that stupid spark of hope. A cup of tea, a kind word, a shared dream. Maybe it's possible? Maybe things will be better now? Insidious- hope. The eternal optimist. Willing to hide the obvious reality.


Yet somehow not so obvious. How could I have let this go on and on? I thought I was being loving, forgiving, full of grace. Pretending it isn't there has only made it worse.




There is for some reason great shame attached. When someone else talks about the abuse, I immediately feel my marriage and he are under attack and I want to spring to the defensive. It also hurts to admit it. And someone else pointing it out, makes me face this hurt. That is scary. If it is faced up to and brought too much out into the open - I can't carefully package it away. It makes me concerned for him and I want to protect him and hide his faults from the judgment of others. Whether the other is right or not.

Such a weird mix of jumbled feelings."