Wretched Brokeness

It will be ten years on Thursday... and then two days after that - until I stumble off the marriage train. Would love to say I could muster up a dignified, chin in the air, graceful departure ... but that wouldn’t be honest or true. Stumbling, baulking, half crazed, desperately sad, head hanging, bandy legs with knees folding beneath me, tears blinding ... this raw, undignified exit is a more accurate description of the reality of divorce. Anyone want to make this kind of excruciating decision? This is what it looks like. Puffy eyes, snot running ... nothing beautiful here. It is all wretched brokeness.

In the excruciating suffering of Jesus on the cross, he felt the full force and ugly reality, of depraved sinful humanity. He took on and bore the curse of sin ... becoming the curse. Worst of all, he experienced the tearing apart of the closest relationship there has ever been - the relationship he has with his heavenly Father. He bore the full brunt of God’s wrath against sin. Jesus was innocent, but he obediently submitted to a humiliating death ... out of love for us, for me. In the cross the price has been paid, justice has been accomplished - and somehow ... I get to go free! Free from the power of sin and it’s 'death penalty' ... free to live instead and to flourish in a life bound to him, my loving maker. What glorious freedom! In the cross, there is hope of new beginnings and the gift of life, despite the wretchedness of broken relationships. The cross brings healing and wholeness.

I hope in, and cling to amazing, heartbreakingly beautiful grace; the undeserved love and mercy of my Maker. In the cross, I witness a God who chooses to love unconditionally, despite my destructive behaviour and cold rejection of him, at times. He chooses love. He chooses forgiveness. When I run away, take no heed to his warnings, think I know best ... find myself hurt and all I can muster is an anguished breath for help; He runs ... scoops me in his arms, my loving Father ... and loves me with a ‘never stopping, never giving up, never failing’ love. How can this be? How can love work this way?

I certainly can’t muster up this kind of love within my own fallen, broken heart.

Moving ... Settling in the Valley of Hope

Wow .... so it looks like I'm moving!! No surprises there, for all who know my nomadic lifestyle up to this point! Mum and Dad have invested in a house ... and I get to be the blessed, rent paying occupant!!

So, (and here is the interesting part) ... it looks like I'm settling to become a semi-permanent (you have no idea how weird that word 'permanent' is to write) resident of Hope Valley.

HOPE Valley ... what a wonderful place to live and start a new life! Who would have thought a valley, of all things, could be hopeful? So often a valley represents despair ... or the 'shadow of death'. But no ... God is placing me in a valley of hope! And what a wonderful hope I have.

"See, I am making all things new" Revelations 21:5 ... is the verse that upon waking this morning, came to mind.

How I long and hope for that glorious day ... when all things will be made new. When all the struggling will cease. When every tear is wiped from our eyes, as we dwell and live with our heavenly Father in his renewed and restored Creation.

I am powerless to save myself from the enslavement, ravages and entagling of sin in my own life. This sin is a rejection of, and separates me from, my Creator who is holy and pure in love. In my rebellion - I think I can do it on my own, struggling in my own strength ...but I become a 'pit-dweller', dwelling in the pit of despair. I look around and see the consequences of sin and rebellion everywhere. This world is broken and suffering. There seems to be no hope.

But, this is my HOPE.

I hope in the incredible and gracious love of Jesus, who came and dwelt among us. Suffering; submitting to death, so that all who believe and trust in this incredible grace - are redeemed, rescued and released from the curse and bondage of sin.

I hope in His victorious resurrection - victory over sin and death. ... so that all may rise with him, (out of the pit) into a new life - transformed and re-newed.

And I hope in his coming again, in glory - where he will reign over the re-newed and made new Creation, as our glorious Servant King.

"It is finished"! (John 19:30) ... "It is DONE"!! (Revelation 21: 6) - WOW!

Therefore, since we are justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have obtained access to this grace in which we stand; and we boast in our hope of sharing the glory of God. And not only that, but we also boast in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not disappoint us, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit that has been given to us. (Romans 5:1-5)

This HOPE is true and sure, and holds me through the struggles of this present life. The Spirit gives me the assurance of Gods incredible love, he pour assurance into my heart - God cherishes me, he cares for me, he holds me, he carries me, he heals me, he sustains me, he delivers me, he provides for me, he knows me, he understands me, he wonderfully made me.

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:38-39)

His work of renewal, (although not brought to completion) is actually happening in the here and now ... and (oh, what amazing grace), is happening in me!

So if anyone is in Christ, there is a new creation: everything old has passed away; see, everything has become new! All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ . . . . (2 Cor 5:17-18).

For if anyone is in Christ ... they are part of the new creation. Part of Gods reconciling, healing, restoring ministry to our broken, sin cursed world, in the here and now. And 'God’s people are to be, through the work of the Spirit, an anticipatory sign of God’s healing and restorative future for the world.'

What a challenge, what a privilege for the church of believers today ... for me.

He lifted me out of the pit of despair and has put me in the valley of hope! What a wonderful God!!

As I dwell in Hope Valley, my prayer is that all will see where I put my hope ... and will praise and worship our loving, compassionate, merciful God.

Poems of Brokeness

The Jungle
So much inside, wanting release.
So many words and thoughts and feelings unsaid.
They jumble around,
they swarm and attack -
with confusion, with pain

... with a weight so heavy it is hard to bear.

I strain my face, my heart toward heaven.
My hoarse throat tries to speak.
But the words don't come,
they stick to the roof of my mouth,
they coil around into tight circles -
that I haven't the strength to undo.

This feels like madness.
Can I place at the cross this mess? How?
Where can I find sense? Where can I find meaning?
I search and search, but end up more entwined.


Incline your ear to me O Lord.
Unravel the confusion.
Let me walk with you in this jungle,
until I can see again,
the beauty of the garden.


Psalm 69¹
Save me, O God,
for the waters have come up to my neck.
² I sink in the miry depths,
where there is no foothold.
I have come into the deep waters;
the floods engulf me.
³ I am worn out calling for help;
my throat is parched.
My eyes fail,
looking for my God.
(Psalm 69 Looking for You - Sons of Korah)

China Cup
I remember joy.
I remember the tenderness of my heart.
There was so much room to love many.
Things were so simple.
I was so free.

How did it come to this;
this self loathing?
This fear?
No longer able to trust.
No longer able to love freely.
Like a china cup full of cracks
- it won't take much to break me into pieces.

Desperately trying to hold things together.
One harsh word and I am scattered.
Pieces lost along the way,
I can no longer gather them all up.

Pieces of me are missing,
this china cup leaks.
Faulty.


Maybe
Maybe it is my fault.
Maybe it is me.
Maybe if I didn't point the finger, didn't stand up for what I believe.
Maybe if I kept my mouth shut, if I kept quiet and still.
Maybe if I just let things lie, didn't rock the boat
and swallowed down the bitter pill

Maybe if I had loved more.
Maybe if I had complained less.
Maybe if I had just let things slide and worked harder to forget.
Maybe if I had been perfect, if I had worked harder and passed the test.
Maybe if I had asked for nothing and expected even less.

Maybe it was my fault,
Maybe it was me.
Maybe I deserved it all,
who would want to live with me?




'Kindness'
Your 'kindness', is like salt and vinegar rubbed into my weeping wounds.
Your 'gifts and flowers', a cruel display of a love not mine.
Your 'thoughtfulness', has all the cunning of a bribe.
Your 'openess', a sick game.
Your 'dreams', a twisted unreality.
Your 'affection', a slap in the face.

This perfect charade, so well played,
even you're believing in your charm.

This foolish heart softens.
My mind is carried on the fragile wings of hope ...
I settle in your hands.
Poisoned darts fall thick and fast,
Bewildered, I find myself crushed again by the sick reality of ... abuse.