So much inside, wanting release.
So many words and thoughts and feelings unsaid.
They jumble around,they swarm and attack -
with confusion, with pain
... with a weight so heavy it is hard to bear.
I strain my face, my heart toward heaven.
My hoarse throat tries to speak.
But the words don't come,
they stick to the roof of my mouth,
they coil around into tight circles -
that I haven't the strength to undo.
This feels like madness.
Can I place at the cross this mess? How?
Where can I find sense? Where can I find meaning?
I search and search, but end up more entwined.
Incline your ear to me O Lord.
Unravel the confusion.
Let me walk with you in this jungle,
until I can see again,
the beauty of the garden.
Psalm 691
Save me, O God,
for the waters have come up to my neck.
2 I sink in the miry depths,
where there is no foothold.
I have come into the deep waters;
the floods engulf me.
3 I am worn out calling for help;
my throat is parched.
My eyes fail,
looking for my God.
(Psalm 69 Looking for You - Sons of Korah)
I remember joy.
I remember the tenderness of my heart.
There was so much room to love many.
Things were so simple.
I was so free.
How did it come to this;
this self loathing?
This fear?
No longer able to trust.
No longer able to love freely.
Like a china cup full of cracks
- it won't take much to break me into pieces.
Desperately trying to hold things together.
One harsh word and I am scattered.
Pieces lost along the way,
I can no longer gather them all up.
Pieces of me are missing,
this china cup leaks.
Faulty.
Maybe
Maybe it is my fault.
Maybe it is me.
Maybe if I didn't point the finger, didn't stand up for what I believe.
Maybe if I kept my mouth shut, if I kept quiet and still.
Maybe if I just let things lie, didn't rock the boat
and swallowed down the bitter pill
Maybe if I had loved more.
Maybe if I had complained less.
Maybe if I had just let things slide and worked harder to forget.
Maybe if I had been perfect, if I had worked harder and passed the test.
Maybe if I had asked for nothing and expected even less.
Maybe it was my fault,
Maybe it was me.
Maybe I deserved it all,
who would want to live with me?
'Kindness'
Your 'kindness', is like salt and vinegar rubbed into my weeping wounds.
Your 'gifts and flowers', a cruel display of a love not mine.
Your 'thoughtfulness', has all the cunning of a bribe.
Your 'openess', a sick game.
Your 'dreams', a twisted unreality.
Your 'affection', a slap in the face.
This perfect charade, so well played,
even you're believing in your charm.
This foolish heart softens.
My mind is carried on the fragile wings of hope ...
I settle in your hands.
Poisoned darts fall thick and fast,
Bewildered, I find myself crushed again by the sick reality of ... abuse.
