Wretched Brokeness

It will be ten years on Thursday... and then two days after that - until I stumble off the marriage train. Would love to say I could muster up a dignified, chin in the air, graceful departure ... but that wouldn’t be honest or true. Stumbling, baulking, half crazed, desperately sad, head hanging, bandy legs with knees folding beneath me, tears blinding ... this raw, undignified exit is a more accurate description of the reality of divorce. Anyone want to make this kind of excruciating decision? This is what it looks like. Puffy eyes, snot running ... nothing beautiful here. It is all wretched brokeness.

In the excruciating suffering of Jesus on the cross, he felt the full force and ugly reality, of depraved sinful humanity. He took on and bore the curse of sin ... becoming the curse. Worst of all, he experienced the tearing apart of the closest relationship there has ever been - the relationship he has with his heavenly Father. He bore the full brunt of God’s wrath against sin. Jesus was innocent, but he obediently submitted to a humiliating death ... out of love for us, for me. In the cross the price has been paid, justice has been accomplished - and somehow ... I get to go free! Free from the power of sin and it’s 'death penalty' ... free to live instead and to flourish in a life bound to him, my loving maker. What glorious freedom! In the cross, there is hope of new beginnings and the gift of life, despite the wretchedness of broken relationships. The cross brings healing and wholeness.

I hope in, and cling to amazing, heartbreakingly beautiful grace; the undeserved love and mercy of my Maker. In the cross, I witness a God who chooses to love unconditionally, despite my destructive behaviour and cold rejection of him, at times. He chooses love. He chooses forgiveness. When I run away, take no heed to his warnings, think I know best ... find myself hurt and all I can muster is an anguished breath for help; He runs ... scoops me in his arms, my loving Father ... and loves me with a ‘never stopping, never giving up, never failing’ love. How can this be? How can love work this way?

I certainly can’t muster up this kind of love within my own fallen, broken heart.

So, Incredibly Sad

I filed the papers for the Divorce at the court yesterday ... it was sickeningly easy. Easier than applying for a Centrelink payment. I couldn’t stop the tears, as I watched the lady stamp the papers and enter the data into the computer. There is no funeral, no ceremony, just a five minute hearing at the courts in a months time.

No rigmarole - the end of nearly 10 years of ‘marriage’.

It is so, incredibly sad.

I messaged him before I headed in - just letting him know what I was doing ... and that I was doing it with sadness. ‘It’s up to you’, was his reply. Yes .... it is up to me. If only he could have at least seen once, that it had actually been up to him. No begging for me to reconsider. No declarations of love. No tears and remorse. No repentant life changes. No responsibility taken - for anything ... ‘it’s up to you’. Why does even that feel like a blow, on the dullness of my despondent heart.

It took me weeks to even print the papers off - I felt sick, just looking at the title. In the end my sister did it for me. It took me several more, to fill in a simple 6 page document, the majority of which was circling yes or no. How could this ‘self-driven’ process, be a gift out of Gods hands? It felt so mean. So nasty. So cold. So uncaring. So unloving. So final.

The same accusing thoughts come flying in and clash with the painful memories and the justifications. They wage war, wear me out, confuse me. My emotions swing like a pendulum. One minute I defend myself, the next I accuse myself of blowing things out of proportion, of not being willing to forgive, of not being willing to love enough, to work hard enough .... The thoughts whirl around and around - they swarm and attack. My heart feels like lead, my head aches - there is no relief.

Then a clear voice speaks, again and again, over and over - soft and kind ‘listen to me, listen to me’. It whispers peace, peace in the Cross. And as this peace washes over me, the other voices go quiet ... and the joy in His grace fills me again.

Seasons

"There is a time for everything,

and a season for every activity under heaven:

a time to be born and a time to die,

a time to plant and a time to uproot,

a time to kill and a time to heal,

a time to tear down and a time to build,

a time to weep and a time to laugh,

a time to mourn and a time to dance,

a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

a time to search and a time to give up,

a time to keep and a time to throw away,

a time to tear and a time to mend,

a time to be silent and a time to speak,

a time to love and a time to hate,

a time for war and a time for peace.

What does the worker gain from his toil?

I have seen the burden God has laid on men.

He has made everything beautiful in its time.

He has also set eternity in the hearts of men;

Yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end."

Ecclesiates 3:1-11

Sitting in the Changi airport in Singapore, I stand on the brink of a new season in my life. I am in awe and amazed that God has chosen to bring in this new season with a monsoon. His mercy, love, grace, rich blessings seem to bucketing down on me ... and I am a little overwhelmed, by the sheer magnitude of his generosity! What an awesome heavenly Father I have. Mercy is mine ... only through the Cross. How beautiful the Cross is- bitter sweet!

In Naomi Reeds book -' My Seventh Monsoon' she writes:

"Each season comes to a close and ushers in the next one. And so it is in our lives. A time of pain and suffering does eventually move on. Joys and blessings once again bring a thankful heart. A period of isolation and loneliness is replaced by an overload of human relationships. Confusion may come and stay for a while. A good long while at times ... But of course, the next season is always close at hand.

Spiritually, we also move in seasons. We seem to bounce between times of great intimacy and closeness with God, to times of dryness. ...... These seasons not only affect the world in front of me but also in a strange and parallel way, affect my relationship with God. So I peer into the fog of my current season, often wondering what I will gain from my toil. I wonder whether I will see His hand transform my season into beauty. I wonder whether I will ever fathom what He is doing from beginning to end .... "

Madly Skipping Around the Room, with full Abandon!

I was reading a story to my kids the other night – it was about a Mum who taught her daughter how to skip … and as I madly skipped around the room, with full abandon (!) to show them, Mummy could do it too, I was struck by something wonderful. My children help me to be myself. I don’t have to impress them or feel embarrassed in their presence – they don’t squash me into a box, restrict me, humiliate me or expect me to behave a particular way! I can just be ‘me’… which may include skipping madly around the room! I think this is a blessing from God that I should savour, as a mother of preschoolers … as I’m sure the time will come, when this will not be the case! Where a madly skipping mother will only bring embarrassment to her children!

Talking with lots of other Mum’s out there, I think it is common that we struggle with ‘who we are’ – when we become mothers. A lot of the things that used to define us, are no longer applicable. But I have found that being a mother has also reminded me, about a lot of things that used to also be ‘me’, that I had forgotten. This is pretty cool!

I have recently been reading and thinking about Psalm 139 in the Bible. It says that God knows everything about us, even better than we know ourselves! ‘Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord' (vs.4)…! He created us. He wonderfully ‘knit me together' (vs.13) in my mother’s womb. It says that ‘all the days ordained for me were written in your book, before one of them came to be’ (vs.16)!

I guess it could be a scary thought to be ‘known’ completely. Our masks and facades do not hold up before God, there is no way to hide from Him. There is no way to impress Him - the Creator of the universe, He knows us 'warts and all'. And yet the Bible describes this Creator God as being compassionate, slow to anger, rich in mercy and abounding in love. He ultimately demonstrated this love, through Jesus death and resurrection - dealing with the 'warts' and shame, that stand in the way of us being able to relate freely with a holy God. Through the work of the cross - our old grubby self is replaced with a new sqeaky clean version!

'Therefore, if anyone is in Christ he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ.' 2 Corinthians 5:17

How amazing and reassuring to be completely and unconditionally loved by my wonderful Creator God, who knows me - even better than I know myself! I am free to be myself- without shame... and to find my true identity - the person I was created to be, in being in relationship with Him.

This brings peace and joy to my heart!

Insanely Wonderful Generosity

My Mum is insanely wonderful in her generosity towards me … today she offered us a trip to Nepal to go and visit my sister!! I’m not sure that we can go … but in observing my Mum – I got an insight into the generosity of our Heavenly Father. If my Mum can be this generous, how much more God?! In fact the Bible talks about Gods grace and love being lavishly poured out to us … I wonder what prevents us at times from being willing or able to receive it? Is it unbelief or disbelief, pride or arrogance, pain, shame or anger? Is it a sense of condemnation? The work of Jesus dying on the cross deals with all these things! In realising this we are led to a place of humility, repentance and often brokeness. We do not deserve God’s insanely lavish gift of love and yet it gives him pleasure to freely give it! And in receiving it, we receive healing, freedom, dignity and life abundant. What a wonderful God! :)