Dandelion

Our trembling sinful desires make us sick - when we tremble with fear before a holy God. He knows our 'frame', how we were formed - that we are merely dust and only have our being, through his gracious breath. With one puff we would blow away like the seeds of a dandelion - insignificant and forgotten on the winds of time.

His breath hurts. The naked skin feels tender and exposed. Our heart aches ... we writhe in shame, preferring to hide from His tender gaze. We know it is too gracious, too generous. We know it is undeserved. We can't bear to let the burning desire of his jealous love for us, sink into our bones. It feels too heavy.  The intensity of His holy love - exposes the utter depravity of our own crippling attempts. Our love is weak, broken, fallible ... fallen.

And yet like a compassionate father holding his weak and fragile baby - the Father scoops us up (our shameful naked frame) and He breathes not the breath of wrath and destruction, but of love and redemption. Why? ... why? 

WHY?

So ...  it may be known through generations that 'the Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in love.' The crown is not ours to boast about. We are not worthy of the golden threads of compassion that circle our head - their glint radiates His glory. He is worthy of all praise.

'Praise the LORD, my soul;

all my inmost being, praise his holy name.

Praise the LORD, my soul,

and forget no all his benfits - 

who forgive all your sinse

and heals all your diseases,

who redeems your life from the pit

and crowns you with love and compassion,

who satisfies your desires with good things

so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.'

PSALM 103:1-5

A Strange Paradox

I am about to hang out washing and do yesterdays dishes. I have had low motivation this week and would prefer to stay in bed. Not sure if I lack physical energy ... or psychological energy! Such beautiful weather ... and I have ALL I need in Christ, so I really have no excuse or reason to feel 'lacking'. 

Practicing thankFULLness is harder some days more than others! 

Me being consumed with thoughts about 'me'- whether prideful or loathsome - are both dishonouring God; not recognising who He is, what He has done and who I am in Him. 

Oh, how I need his grace, mercy, love and acceptance hour by hour, minute by minute. Why do I not rest in this - in His love ... rather than being paralysed by my own thoughts, beating me up, from every side? The more angry I become with myself for not keeping up with the house or being the friend I think I should be - the more paralysed I become; the less I do; the more I procrastinate and avoid. BUT, when I rest in him ... I am suddenly FREE to spring into action! What a strange paradox! Knowing I am loved already - IN my frailty and inability - enables me to work hard, without feeling bound in obligation, guilt and self-loathing. My actions instead, spring gladly from a thankful response, and anything I am able to 'achieve' is a bonus - recognising His pure grace and enabling.

Romans 8:32

He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?

Pink Girl, RED Woman

RED Rage - RED terror ... RED love, RED safe haven, RED warmth and peace

RED blushing shame ... RED deliverance, REDemption

RED sin ... RED grace

RED Blood - RED birth ... RED death... RED sunrise - resurrection; new life

RED Heart broken, RED pain ... RED healed, restored, RED thriving

In the RED ... RED plenty and generosity - RED purse, RED pantry - full

RED Desert Sand - dry and barren ... RED hope, RED Sturt Desert Pea - lush and blossoming

RED Roses - beguiling, RED deception ... RED Geranium - honest, RED joy and laughter

The Fragrance of Life

The jasmine is out .... in frothy scented bloom, marking my wedding day 10 years ago. This gloriously heady fragrance wrapped itself around me, like the most beautiful of gowns, as I entered through the church doors. A perfume that is now bitter-sweet, in the memories it awakens. A union that was meant to express and reflect the perfumed breath of love-drenched life ... officially ends in two days, with the lingering smell of 'death'; of two messed up, broken, sinful lives. This is not how it was meant to be - this shattering of oneness.

This is not Gods beautiful image of marriage. A lifelong covenant relationship that is designed to reflect the intimate relationship between God and his pure spotless bride, the church - fully living, fully breathing, fully thriving - through grace in Christ. A holy love relationship between people and their Maker.

As I sit and ponder the passing fragrance of jasmine ... that is here one season and gone the next. I am drawn to the sweetest perfume of all, one that will never fade. The fragrance of true life, the aroma of ... Christ! In his death, the shedding of his blood - incredibly the torn, stench-of-death gown I wear, is washed clean, with new life.

I draw in deep - filling my lungs with the fresh, comforting smell of a wind-breathed, white linen robe - fresh off the washing line of grace! :)

Amazing grace.

"I delight greatly in the Lord;

my soul rejoices in my God.

For he has clothed me with the garments of salvation

and arrayed me in a robe of righteousness..."

(Isaiah 61: 10)

Wretched Brokeness

It will be ten years on Thursday... and then two days after that - until I stumble off the marriage train. Would love to say I could muster up a dignified, chin in the air, graceful departure ... but that wouldn’t be honest or true. Stumbling, baulking, half crazed, desperately sad, head hanging, bandy legs with knees folding beneath me, tears blinding ... this raw, undignified exit is a more accurate description of the reality of divorce. Anyone want to make this kind of excruciating decision? This is what it looks like. Puffy eyes, snot running ... nothing beautiful here. It is all wretched brokeness.

In the excruciating suffering of Jesus on the cross, he felt the full force and ugly reality, of depraved sinful humanity. He took on and bore the curse of sin ... becoming the curse. Worst of all, he experienced the tearing apart of the closest relationship there has ever been - the relationship he has with his heavenly Father. He bore the full brunt of God’s wrath against sin. Jesus was innocent, but he obediently submitted to a humiliating death ... out of love for us, for me. In the cross the price has been paid, justice has been accomplished - and somehow ... I get to go free! Free from the power of sin and it’s 'death penalty' ... free to live instead and to flourish in a life bound to him, my loving maker. What glorious freedom! In the cross, there is hope of new beginnings and the gift of life, despite the wretchedness of broken relationships. The cross brings healing and wholeness.

I hope in, and cling to amazing, heartbreakingly beautiful grace; the undeserved love and mercy of my Maker. In the cross, I witness a God who chooses to love unconditionally, despite my destructive behaviour and cold rejection of him, at times. He chooses love. He chooses forgiveness. When I run away, take no heed to his warnings, think I know best ... find myself hurt and all I can muster is an anguished breath for help; He runs ... scoops me in his arms, my loving Father ... and loves me with a ‘never stopping, never giving up, never failing’ love. How can this be? How can love work this way?

I certainly can’t muster up this kind of love within my own fallen, broken heart.

So, Incredibly Sad

I filed the papers for the Divorce at the court yesterday ... it was sickeningly easy. Easier than applying for a Centrelink payment. I couldn’t stop the tears, as I watched the lady stamp the papers and enter the data into the computer. There is no funeral, no ceremony, just a five minute hearing at the courts in a months time.

No rigmarole - the end of nearly 10 years of ‘marriage’.

It is so, incredibly sad.

I messaged him before I headed in - just letting him know what I was doing ... and that I was doing it with sadness. ‘It’s up to you’, was his reply. Yes .... it is up to me. If only he could have at least seen once, that it had actually been up to him. No begging for me to reconsider. No declarations of love. No tears and remorse. No repentant life changes. No responsibility taken - for anything ... ‘it’s up to you’. Why does even that feel like a blow, on the dullness of my despondent heart.

It took me weeks to even print the papers off - I felt sick, just looking at the title. In the end my sister did it for me. It took me several more, to fill in a simple 6 page document, the majority of which was circling yes or no. How could this ‘self-driven’ process, be a gift out of Gods hands? It felt so mean. So nasty. So cold. So uncaring. So unloving. So final.

The same accusing thoughts come flying in and clash with the painful memories and the justifications. They wage war, wear me out, confuse me. My emotions swing like a pendulum. One minute I defend myself, the next I accuse myself of blowing things out of proportion, of not being willing to forgive, of not being willing to love enough, to work hard enough .... The thoughts whirl around and around - they swarm and attack. My heart feels like lead, my head aches - there is no relief.

Then a clear voice speaks, again and again, over and over - soft and kind ‘listen to me, listen to me’. It whispers peace, peace in the Cross. And as this peace washes over me, the other voices go quiet ... and the joy in His grace fills me again.

Seasons

"There is a time for everything,

and a season for every activity under heaven:

a time to be born and a time to die,

a time to plant and a time to uproot,

a time to kill and a time to heal,

a time to tear down and a time to build,

a time to weep and a time to laugh,

a time to mourn and a time to dance,

a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

a time to search and a time to give up,

a time to keep and a time to throw away,

a time to tear and a time to mend,

a time to be silent and a time to speak,

a time to love and a time to hate,

a time for war and a time for peace.

What does the worker gain from his toil?

I have seen the burden God has laid on men.

He has made everything beautiful in its time.

He has also set eternity in the hearts of men;

Yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end."

Ecclesiates 3:1-11

Sitting in the Changi airport in Singapore, I stand on the brink of a new season in my life. I am in awe and amazed that God has chosen to bring in this new season with a monsoon. His mercy, love, grace, rich blessings seem to bucketing down on me ... and I am a little overwhelmed, by the sheer magnitude of his generosity! What an awesome heavenly Father I have. Mercy is mine ... only through the Cross. How beautiful the Cross is- bitter sweet!

In Naomi Reeds book -' My Seventh Monsoon' she writes:

"Each season comes to a close and ushers in the next one. And so it is in our lives. A time of pain and suffering does eventually move on. Joys and blessings once again bring a thankful heart. A period of isolation and loneliness is replaced by an overload of human relationships. Confusion may come and stay for a while. A good long while at times ... But of course, the next season is always close at hand.

Spiritually, we also move in seasons. We seem to bounce between times of great intimacy and closeness with God, to times of dryness. ...... These seasons not only affect the world in front of me but also in a strange and parallel way, affect my relationship with God. So I peer into the fog of my current season, often wondering what I will gain from my toil. I wonder whether I will see His hand transform my season into beauty. I wonder whether I will ever fathom what He is doing from beginning to end .... "

Insanely Wonderful Generosity

My Mum is insanely wonderful in her generosity towards me … today she offered us a trip to Nepal to go and visit my sister!! I’m not sure that we can go … but in observing my Mum – I got an insight into the generosity of our Heavenly Father. If my Mum can be this generous, how much more God?! In fact the Bible talks about Gods grace and love being lavishly poured out to us … I wonder what prevents us at times from being willing or able to receive it? Is it unbelief or disbelief, pride or arrogance, pain, shame or anger? Is it a sense of condemnation? The work of Jesus dying on the cross deals with all these things! In realising this we are led to a place of humility, repentance and often brokeness. We do not deserve God’s insanely lavish gift of love and yet it gives him pleasure to freely give it! And in receiving it, we receive healing, freedom, dignity and life abundant. What a wonderful God! :)